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Letter from All the Girls I Ever Dated, Who All Got Together for Lunch

13 May

Dear Gunny,

We’ve had a good lunch here at Bonefish Grill!

Things were totally awkward at first.  But after some wine and Mussels Josephine, we warmed to each other.  We’re wrapping up and thought we’d write you a letter.

Whoever anonymously organized this lunch:  she never showed!  Very, very strange.  But the rest of us did.  Early on, Niya took charge and asked: what are your best and worst memories of Gunny?  We heard great memories: bedrooms filled with cotton ball snow and hidden gifts, walks around Sufi picnics, Monkeytown open late just for you, and magic at DiFara’s.  There were also, however, stories of snooped emails, Xmas party arguments, and examples of your hyper-vigilance.

When all was said and done, we came up with some advice for you.  Some of it is brutal.  Here it is, take it or leave it, dude:

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Letter to Me from His Holiness XIV Dalai Lama

16 Apr

Dear Gunny,

Om mani padme hum.

What’s up, man. I’ve got this new personal art project where I use meditative telepathy to read the minds of buddhists, then write them letters in response. Pretty freaky, right!

First up, I owe you an apology. I wrote some stuff I’m not proud of on page 73 of a book on the eightfold path I published several years ago. Long story short, I basically said that homosexuality and premarital sex were improper.  You know what I’m talking about.  It threw you for a loop in high school. I can’t believe it went unnoticed! It would destroy my credibility with the liberal left! These days, I want you to know, I feel bad about it. It was just part of the Tibetan provincialism I grew up with. I just didn’t know any better. I mean, as Kanye says over and over on his last album, “What the hell was I supposed to do?” I mean, 30 years ago we Tibetans still were taught that the moon was a fucking star. Now science teaches us it’s reflecting light. Anyway, sorry for the anti-gay, anti-debaucherous-stuff-you-did-with-that-girl-in-Central-Park rhetoric. You’re good to go.

Second, let’s talk about your journal entry from years ago about Tibet’s stance on China.  As you noted, people discuss non-violence in terms of ethics or efficacy. In reality, you’re right:  it’s branding. The moment one Tibetan farmer picks up a rifle, we’re just like every other small ass country that’s getting stepped on. As long as we’re non-violent, we’re unique, and we’re championed by millions of people who project their own powerlessness or power guilt onto us. And that, someday, may prove to have been the single thing that preserved the insights of our culture and allowed them to spread into other cultures, beyond the artifacts and trappings of prayer wheels and goofy hats.

As for why your long-term girlfriends never ask you about your Buddhist practice, I think you know the answer to this. They’re just not that into you. Hahahahahahahah. Just kidding. They’re postmodernists who see spirituality as an archaic petitionary supernaturalism. They haven’t read Wilber!  Trust the Dalai Lama on this one, bro.

Dude, I wrote this to you from my iphone and it autocorrected “Dalai Lama” into “Sakai Lama”. Who the fuck is that guy? I need to meet him. We can tour the lecture circuit together. Hehe.

Okay, let me get serious for my last point. You’ve long been driven by an impulse that I want to say is right on. My advice to you is to keep doing what you’re doing in your practice: decouple buddhism from everything. Decouple Buddhism from mandalas and mantras. Decouple buddhism from those bracelets people sell. Decouple buddhism from eco-friendliness, from activism, from music, from other buddhists, from Tibet. Most of all, decouple buddhism from me. Continue to find it in your own experience — not just in your small day-to-day self that irons your shirts or struggles through a bad relationship, but in the part of you that intersects infinity.

Okay, man.  Gotta run.  Keep it real!   And tell Koo my favorite poem is “I Just Got Out of a Serious Relationship.”

Sincerely,

His Holiness the XIV Dalai Lama

New GS Project: Letters I Wish I’d Have Received

10 Apr

Sometimes I have this fantasy of receiving a letter from someone.

Not just a note or a card (those are lovely) but a real letter.  There are so many wonderful things about receiving a letter, the most wonderful being that a thoughtful person has decided to dedicate an entire evening, if not more, to ruminating about you, the world, and how you and the world are intertwined.  As Kenneth Koch once said, “There’s a pleasure in being the source of someone’s sublime thoughts.”

The problem is that, even when I’m the source of sublime thoughts, people rarely write me letters.  Or even write me back after I’ve written them a long ruminating letter on the nature of their existence and the world. Carrin, Xan, Allison, Tracy, Maura, Jessica, you were the only ones who moved me with letters!

Why do others not write?  Do they get so wrapped up in the vanity of receiving a letter that it never dawns on them to write one back?   Perhaps they don’t like the letter, but don’t they have the courage to write back and disagree?  Or are they afraid their letter won’t amount to much?  Do they worry their letter might reveal the parts of themselves they’ve hidden?  Do they prefer to leave their inner geography unmapped?

So I’m launching a new project in which I write letters I wish I’d have received.  In the past week, I’ve worked on outlines or drafts of:

  • Letter from the Carlos, the Guy Who Makes My Bagels in the Morning
  • Letter from His Holiness the XIVth Dalai Lama
  • Letter from an Ex-Girlfriend
  • Letter from an Anonymous Co-Worker at My Current Job
  • Letter from Banksy
  • Letter from John Hus, 13th Century Heretic Burned at the Stake
  • Letter from Manny Ramirez
  • Letter from My Future Wife

Enjoy.

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