Letter from All the Girls I Ever Dated, Who All Got Together for Lunch

Dear Gunny,

We’ve had a good lunch here at Bonefish Grill!

Things were totally awkward at first.  But after some wine and Mussels Josephine, we warmed to each other.  We’re wrapping up and thought we’d write you a letter.

Whoever anonymously organized this lunch:  she never showed!  Very, very strange.  But the rest of us did.  Early on, Niya took charge and asked: what are your best and worst memories of Gunny?  We heard great memories: bedrooms filled with cotton ball snow and hidden gifts, walks around Sufi picnics, Monkeytown open late just for you, and magic at DiFara’s.  There were also, however, stories of snooped emails, Xmas party arguments, and examples of your hyper-vigilance.

When all was said and done, we came up with some advice for you.  Some of it is brutal.  Here it is, take it or leave it, dude:

1. Your jeans are, like, six years old.  You should really look into that.  For a guy who loves jeans as much as you do, you’re wearing the equivalent of Nick Lachey on your legs.  Seriously.
2. Stop resenting maintenance.  You hate maintaining things you’ve already done, discovered or accomplished.  To you, maintenance feels rote and devoid of adventure & challenge.  But when you let simple, basic things slide, it’s really, really unattractive.  Thankfully, you’ve made huge changes in the last few months.  Don’t let those slide.
3. Resolve your hyper-vigilance.  We get it.  You’ve seen first-hand how women gradually deceive themselves into crossing boundaries we shouldn’t.  You’ve helped other men’s girlfriends cross that line yourself.  This makes you hypervigilant in your own relationship.  You’re always looking for early signs of trouble.  You think if you nip it in the bud, the relationship will be safer.  You barter your own freedoms to insulate yourself from risk.  You stay closely watchful.  But there’s a price you pay for that level of vigilance:  you sacrifice your own time and energy.  And you weaken the relationship rather than strengthen it.  And you look like an idiot sometimes.  Trust us:  find a way to resolve this tension in yourself while still acknowledging the dark reality of dating.  You’ll be happier and more mature for it.
4. Build your relationship time around your personal time, not vice versa.  You know the activities that are central to your life:  reading, writing, creating, absorbing things that fascinate you.  Don’t put those things on the backburner for anything.  That’s what attracted us to you in the first place — don’t set it aside.  You keep finding new ways to make this mistake.  Use those newfound personal time management capabilities, kid. LOL.
5. You’re at your best when you see into us (or the relationship) in ways we can’t see.  Okay, so you have some skill at this.  You’re at your best when you’re seeing the big picture we don’t see, and speaking of it openly, passionately, but humbly.  Unfortunately for you, you flail when there’s not mutual openness and insight.  So find a woman who loves this as much as you do.  Don’t date women who are defensive about their shortcomings or who aren’t grateful for critical insights into their own lives.   While you are compatible with many types of immaturity, this is not one of them.
6. Build a relationship together that makes you both so proud you’re almost giddy. No clarification needed.

That’s it for now, man.  We’re about to leave.  The organizer never showed (or never identified herself!), so we’re writing this as a group.

Our favorite part of the day was probably the waitress, to be honest.  She was, like, the best waitress ever.  She had this Mila Kunis sort of look, and was really outgoing and funny.  She kept dropping references to Derrida and Lil Wayne — you would have loved it.  Most of all, she gave off a warmth and a sense that she really cared about each of us, as if it was really important to her that we each got the exact dish we wanted.  At times, she challenged us to order something different and be more ambitious.  We joked that the whole lunch went better because of her, and it’s probably true.  When not waiting on us, she sat at the table right next to us the whole time with a book in her face. She probably wasn’t listening.  I’m sure your secrets are safe.